TOUGH STUFF.

leaving Banks each morning.

that is the definition of tough stuff. 

since i'm a blunt, honest person, and like to keep it real, on the blog and all, i'm gonna tell you how i really feel. okay? ready. set. go.

i feel like crap. 

when i was on maternity leave with Banks I knew i was going back to work. G and i had figured out our finances and decided what we wanted to do with our money - buy a new car, continue to upgrade our home, have an extra cash flow and live our life dining out, and doing extra activities on the weekend. we decided that we basically wanted to keep the same lifestyle as we did before Banks' arrival. Don't get me wrong. I knew it would he difficult to go back to work with such a sweet baby at home. and for a few months I was determined to find a way to make my official title Stay at Home Mommy. That didn't exactly happen as we began spending more money than ever right before Banks was born preparing his room, preparing the house and medical expenses. So, going back to work was the phrase i began using when people asked.

Banks and I enjoyed our 12 weeks at home together - loving every minute of it.We really enjoyed the 6ish weeks G daddy was home with us, too. That was the best. Pockets were empty, but that was the happiest time.

Then, it came time to go back to work. By my surprise, I was actually just a tiny, little itty, bitty bit excited to go back to work. I needed adult interaction ASAP. Kelly Ripa and Ellen DeGeneres just weren't doing it anymore.


Now, I miss him dearly. Everyday. My office walls are covered in his pictures and I secretly watch videos of him on my computer to get me through the day. He's so much fun. He's perfect in every single way. He's happy-go-lucky 90 percent of the time and the other 10 percent he's running into something (because he's the most active thing ever) and crying because he hurt his head or Hadley took his toy. The thing is, when he's sad or mad he makes the most precious frown and it just melts my heart. there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think of this crazy kid. he's so much more than i even expected. he's more love, more fun, more perfect than i could ever imagine.

G and i always talk about our next child. yes, we're nuts. and how we are so blessed to have such a perfect boy. i'm sure i'll think this of all my kids, but for now, we are sooooo very blessed to have Banks.

I don't want to work. I want to be with him every single minute of the day. But, when I pick him up at daycare and the kids yell "Bankston your mom is here!" he lights up and smiles and crawls toward me.

And, that my friends is the best feeling in the world.

It's tough stuff to leave that boy.